Hi Double Take,
I'm a 22-year-old female with an 8-year-old daughter, an 8-month-old daughter from my present husband, and another baby on the way (due in July). My problem is that my husband is so insecure that he is constantly questioning me about what I'm doing. I'm "not allowed" to have friends. If I talk to anyone, he thinks something is going on behind his back. (He's a mover and on the road a lot). While I was at my parents' house, their friends came over. He immediately accused me of trying to sleep with my dad's buddy.

I'm not totally innocent in this problem. Shortly after we were married, I got drunk, and left for the night and went to see a previous boyfriend. Nothing happened between us, but my husband won't let it alone.

Now he wants to move us to Florida, and I'm afraid he will try to isolate me to the point where I can't get out of the house and do anything with my girls. I'm torn between whether I want to stay married, or get out now. I'm not educated, and it would be hard to get a good job to support three kids. I'm not sure what kind of help I'd still get from him.

I'm an outgoing person usually, and being stifled is making me miserable. I love him, but not his suffocation. I don't know which way to go. I've asked him to get counseling, but it hasn't happened yet. When I do try to leave, he calls me and begs me to come back.

-- Bound Up Becky

EDDIE SAYS:
Wow, Becky. You've said a mouthful here.

Obviously, you've got some serious trust issues to deal with here. The funny thing about trust is that you build it up with a series of acts, but you ruin it with one.

You acknowledge that you had one slip, even though it went nowhere, and now he's hung up on it. But was he paranoid about your fidelity before your drunken visit to the ex? My gut tells me yes -- you don't just turn into a jealous control freak overnight.

Normally I'd say you deserve better than a guy who acts like this, but those three little mouths to feed are a major factor in this equation. Is he a good father? Are the kids better off with him around, or just with his money around? And does he trust your 8-year-old daughter? Or does he treat her the same as he treats you? If he doesn't change, I don't picture a pretty adolescence for her, especially when she starts dating. As her mother, that's your concern, too.

As for what to do ... you've got one thing going for you. He wants something from you -- the move to Florida -- and you want something from him -- counseling. That's a nice hammer to have. I say use it. Tell him if he agrees to see a marriage counselor to discuss his insecurities, you'll give Florida a shot (but not until after the sessions are done). If he won't, then keep your roots firmly planted, and if you've got a support system like family and friends, rely on them until you get back on your feet.

But if you do go to Florida, make it clear up front that you will require some time for yourself -- even if it's just one night a week to go to the library, go for a long walk, or take some night classes and get going on that education.

Now is the time to nip this in the bud, if possible. Men don't usually get more flexible as they get older -- they get more set in their ways. With this character, that's a pretty frightening thought.

ALANA SAYS:
Well, Eddie's right -- your husband's treatment of the kids has to be considered. But from this story, I have a very hard time encouraging you to stick it out for the kids, if your husband is indeed a great dad, simply because you'll be so unhappy.

And kids aren't stupid. Your 8-year-old probably already knows something's not quite right -- even if you try your darnedest to hide your misery from her. Like Eddie said, you have to decide what's healthiest for your kids -- to grow up without a dad around, or to stay in a family environment that might be hostile.

Yes, it is scary to think about heading out on your own with three little ones in tow -- but it is possible. Sure, things might get really tight, but if you stay on track and seek some educational resources (plenty are available for working adults), you can get through it -- especially with strong family support.

Good luck.

Dear Double Take,
I am 23 and have been in a serious relationship for about a year. He is the man that I want to marry and grow old with, but there is a little problem that I have stressed about and can't seem to understand.

He is 30 and very settled down and understanding, but he never wants to spend one-on-one time. When he gets home, he goes to his friend's house and drinks beer every night. He is not a sloppy drunk or even gets drunk. He's right down the road from me and I can go see him if I want, but the drinking never stops.

He will do things for his best friend before he will do anything for me; he says I'm nagging. I'm not jealous of his friend; I just feel like if he loves me and wants to be with me, then he would at least consider spending time with me besides on weekends -- if that. Please tell me what I should do.

ALANA SAYS:
Well, hon, I'm not sure we can tell you what to do ... that's really up to you. But I'll tell you this much: This dude ain't gonna change.

If he's 30, he's likely pretty comfortable with his routine, such as it is. And if you've voiced your desire to spend more time together and he says you're "nagging," that's even more evidence that he is going to continue the nightly drinking ritual, with or without you in his life. As I see it, the only way you're going to have a future with this man is if you come to terms with his behavior.

If you can't stand that thought, you could always test it, of course. Stop trying so hard to spend time with him -- just back completely off for a couple of weeks. Maybe it's just too convenient for him to have his girlfriend and his best friend both at his beck and call. That old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" may kick in. ... but I wouldn't count on it.

So, your final option is to give this guy an ultimatum: either you spend more time together, or you're gone. And if it's really bothering you that much, maybe it's the best option.

Also, I wouldn't downplay his every-night-drinking behavior if I were you; if the drinking truly "never stops," there may be a big problem lurking -- one that may require more immediate attention than the one-on-one time. Take a hard look at the situation, do some research and seek professional help for your man (and for yourself) if he might indeed have a drinking problem.

EDDIE SAYS:
My mind got stuck on something you said in your lead-in to the big problem. You say he's "the man that I want to marry and grow old with." Which leads me to wonder ... based on what?

From here, it sounds like you're hooked up with a guy who takes you for granted, is a borderline (or more) alcoholic, and responds with insults when you try to address your concerns.

"But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

All this would be fine if he were 18 and still trying to figure out how to deal with people as an adult. Maybe he'd have room to grow. But at 30, he's not "settled down," he's in a nice, comfortable groove that is well on its way to a rut. The question is, do you want to be down in that rut with him? Or do you want to pull yourself out and go your own way?

If you want to figure out which way to go, sit down and assess his good points. If they outweigh the lonely nights, the stench of beer when he does come home, the eternal second-billing to his best pal, his avoidance of discussing problems, and his lack of concern for your feelings, then by all means, stay with him.

But the mere fact that you're worried about this should be your first tip that it might be time to cut the cord on this one-way relationship.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every Wednesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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