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Double Take: Finding 'The One'

Meeting People All An Odds Game ... Sort Of

Updated: 11:29 a.m. EDT August 20, 2002

Dear Double Take,
I'm a 31-year-old male who is having an extremely tough time finding that "special someone." Since my divorce in 1997, I've been in a few long-term relationships, with the longest being 2.5 years. I was very lucky to have found that woman, because it gave me hope that the dating pool was filled with quality women. Since then, I've been unable to meet anyone who stimulated all my senses for an extended period of time.
My work schedule is great in regard to time off, but I also attend college, which takes up a lot of my free time to go out and meet women. I do have time to go out and love to do so, but most of my friends are attached in one way or another and I really don't care to go out solo, and I just feel that time spent in clubs could be put to better use.
I'm always told that I'm really funny, great to hang out with, very comfortable to be around, sensitive and understanding, responsible, yet I act like a big, playful kid most of the time, and I'm not too bad on the eyes. I get approached by women on occasion, but they are not my type at all. And when I do the approaching, I usually get positive responses, but 90 percent of the time the women I approach are already taken.
About a year ago, most of my friends told me that I'm aiming too high and that I should lower my standards.
"But I know what I want and don't think I'd be happy with anything less," I kept telling them. So after a three-month dry spell, I did just that. I sat back and thought about what I could and couldn't live with. So here we are today, about four months later, and I still haven't found anyone. And it's not like I just sit at home waiting for her to knock at my door either. I've been quite active in my search. I go out to bars and clubs on occasion, joined a couple of Internet dating services, met a few ladies through friends and co-workers, and just approached women on the streets and in supermarkets. I still haven't found anyone.

Do either of you know any other outlets I could use to meet women?

EDDIE SAYS

Do you play poker?

Most people know that a royal flush is the ultimate hand; it can't be beat. It's what every player is searching for. But the odds of drawing that hand are 649,739 to 1*.

Fortunately, your chances of finding someone to love, or at least to starting working down that road with, are much better. If you really are meeting people casually when you're out, you've got a good shot. Let's say you meet 10 new people a month, or get to know someone from one of your activities better. Even if 90 percent are attached, that's still someone new to go out with once or twice to test the waters. That's a pretty busy social calendar right there.

The point is, it's all an odds game, to some extent. And while we all hit long losing streaks, if you keep playing, the cards you're looking for will turn over. You're keeping your eyes open, you're not tossing your chips out there willy-nilly. You've won before, and you will again. You just have to stay in the game and be ready to make a move when the time comes.

Those poker odds above are just the first cards you see. Remember that in relationships and poker, it can take a couple rounds to find out where things really stand. So don't fold, either in terms of lowering your standards or rejecting things at first sight.

Bide your time, and you'll find what you're looking for.

And never draw to an inside straight. (Sorry, that's actual card playing advice, has nothing to do with love).

* I'm talking about the deal in straight five-card draw here. (Stats from Wolfram.com)

ALANA SAYS:

While I know nothing about poker, I know a thing or two about meeting new people. And I agree with you -- bars and clubs are nowhere to meet a woman you're actually interested in dating long-term.

I commend your searching techniques, although I must caution you not to be too aggressive in your search. Although it doesn't sound like you have a problem with this, being overly friendly can chase off those women who have never laid eyes on you before. Hey, we ladies have to watch ourselves.

Also, I'm glad the focus of your search isn't online. As much as we all love the Internet, I still think your best bet is sizing people up face-to-face.

Personally, I've had the most success meeting people when I join activities without the intention of meeting people. Be it co-ed volleyball, a local choir, or wherever your interests lie, these activities offer a terrific setting to just chat with people who have common interests -- without scaring them away. Who knows, maybe that blonde woman in your book club is looking for someone to get to know better. Or maybe Lisa at your health club knows a woman who would be perfect for you.

The moral is: It never hurts to meet new people, whether you're interested in them or not. The more you expand your friendship base, the more friends-of-friends you're exposed to -- which is a pretty safe way of finding a date who you know won't be totally psycho.

Dear Double Take,
I am a single mother of three children. I recently left a relationship with an individual I have been seeing for the past seven months. He was a very controlling individual and kept me away from family and friends. During this seven-month period, we broke up two times and then he came back every time.

DOUBLE TAKE

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This last break up he was served with a restraining order because he became very violent and threatened me and destroyed material items in my home. He is now in jail, and for some strange reason, I am feeling so lonely and want to contact him so badly to get back together with him. Am I wrong for wanting to work this relationship out?

ALANA SAYS:

In one word: Yes.

Don't take this too personally. We've all fallen for people who are "wrong" for us, but this guy has taken great strides to prove just how much he doesn't belong in a household with three children.

You left the relationship -- remember? It certainly doesn't sound like he's changed his ways. If you've only known him seven months, I'm guessing you don't share any children -- good. You can cut him loose completely and not have any reason to contact him again.

For your own sake and your children's, you have to avoid this violent, controlling man. Suck up your loneliness and keep your eyes open for a man who will treat you as you deserve.

EDDIE SAYS:

The key here is that you're feeling "so lonely." You don't want him back, you want to have someone in your life (and with three kids, I'm sure you could use the help in many, many ways).

But loneliness and love certainly aren't the same thing, and while it's fine to base a relationship on utility rather than a lasting emotional connection, pretending that a guy who will create a dangerous situation in your home is not the way to do it.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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